Always
by fire-forged
Summary: Random snapshots of Snape's thoughts and feelings throughout the series. Spoilers for DH.
1. For Lily

Disclaimer: I do not own any of this. This was written purely for fun and no profits are being made off it.

A/N: This is a series of random snapshots of Snapes's thoughts and feelings at different points throughout the books. Short and drabble-like and quite unconnected with each other. Hope you enjoy!

Set during HPB. Might have slight spoilers (and a quote or two) from DH.

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** Chapter 1: For Lily**

All my life, I have been a puppet dangling on the hands of my two masters.

I am a Slytherin. We are said to value control, power over others more than anything. Do you know what it is like for me to be ruled by someone else? Unable to even control the minutest aspect of my own life.

And this was of my choosing.

I gave myself to him that one night long ago. Came to him, fell at his feet, begged him to take my life into his hands. To salvage something out of the mess I had made of it. I forsook all right to my own life that night.

After all, considering what I had managed to accomplish so far with my decisions and choices, it was only logical to take those choices away from me.

From then on, I was a mere weapon in his hands, his strongest defense against the dark lord. I would do as he said, play the part he wanted. I could deny him nothing.

Do not deceive yourself. I may seem to argue with him, to try to fight back. The sneering, snarling professor. Never let it be said I gave way without argument. But it was more habit than hope. Of course, he deferred to my knowledge of strategy and espionage on some plans, tweaking them to make them more effective but never more palatable to me. In the end, all it took was five words, "This is for _her_, Severus". All arguments would end, all resistance ceased.

_It was always for her_.

It bound me to Dumbledore stronger than if I had made an Unbreakable Vow to follow him. Then at least I would have the freedom to end it all, decide that the cost of following him was more than my life was worth. This way even that escape was closed to me. I could not die, could not walk away knowing that I was forsaking my duty to her.

Don't get me wrong. Dumbledore rarely had to resort to that blow. For the most part, I was a willing participant. I had signed up for this after all, and whatever else I may be I am not a coward. When it was just my life or death hanging in the balance, I never gave it a second thought. It was the other requests that were harder to accede to.

But I did, didn't I Dumbledore? Marvel at the weapon you have in your hands, Dumbledore. It will do anything you ask of it, including killing you.

You say you are not afraid to die. Death was never something to be feared. It is life that takes courage.

I am afraid to live, Dumbledore.

There are two people in my life that I have ever truly loved and trusted. I have endured sixteen years with the knowledge that I have the blood of one of them on my hands. I will break, Dumbledore, if you add the name of the other to the list. Do not make me your murderer.

The plans are yours, Dumbledore, but the actions are mine. It is I who bear them on my conscience.

"_What of __**my**__ soul?"_

Foolish of me, really, to think that I had any soul left worth salvaging.

_But you could have acted like you cared. _

But no, his care and concern were for the children, the students. For _him_. Her son.

Will you ever know how much has been sacrificed in your name? How many people have died so that the great Harry Potter would have a chance to face off with the Dark Lord? Was it worth it?

You wonder at the depth of my hatred for you. You dismiss it as the immature grudge of a man who can't get over the memories of his childhood tormentors and takes them out on a blameless innocent. Can you comprehend the torment that fills me everytime I see you, knowing that you are alive because Lily died, that she died _because_ you were to live?

In my eyes, Potter, you're the reason for her death.

And yet I protect you. Any act was allowable if it was in the name of protecting Potter. I have _killed,_ Potter, killed people whose lives were worth more to me than yours ever could be all in the name of saving Lily's son.

Was it worth it?

_It was worth it. It was worth it for Lily._

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A/N: Thanks for reading. Review, please! 


	2. Green eyes

Disclaimer: See first chapter.

A/N: Can really be set anywhere in the series, but I've placed it during HPB.

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**Chapter 2: Green eyes**

Green eyes. They have been the boon and bane of my life.

For years they were my happiness, my promise of peace and laughter, my proof that somewhere hidden deep within me there was something worthwhile.

For years after that they became the exact opposite. They became the sign of my failure, my shattered conscience, my black soul. My constant torment and anguish. I never saw them, yet they were always with me. They haunted me at night. The disappointment, the hurt in them; the knowledge that it was me who had put those emotions into eyes that should know nothing but joy. That same constant question lurking within them,

"_Why, Severus?"_

And for six years now, those green eyes have truly been before me. A different face; a hated face, the same green eyes. A reminder. This is what you could have had. This is what you have lost.

It's like what they say about the Mirror of Erised. Men can go mad staring into it, drawn to it for its ability to show them what they want beyond anything in the world, yet hating it for mocking them with their inability to acquire it.

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A/N: Thanks for reading. Please review! 


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